The folks who make Direct Mail software face an uphill fight, image-wise.

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AT&T hasn’t even lost the iPhone yet, and it’s already waxing nostalgic for the good old days. Meanwhile, the guy taking a potshot at iTunes is probably the last person who should be talking about “user experience,” and it’s another installment of Steve Jobs Answers Reader Mail.

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We knew Steve Jobs was a man of action–but an action figure? Also, apparently somebody still cares about the Beatles, and a grassroots movement attempts to convince Apple to do things their way. That’ll go well.

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Product: iPod Nano 16 GB

Manufacturer: Apple

Wired Rating: 6

What time is it? Who cares! Apple’s newest timepiece puts music, video, photos and step-counting front-and-center, and lets the minutes fall where they may.

Sure, you can check the time, but that’s hardly the point with this attractive piece of wrist jewelry. Its unisex design goes equally well with a man’s suit, a lady’s sweater or a jogging outfit.

One downside: It doesn’t come with a watchband, so you’ll need to get your own. Fortunately, the clip on the back lets you easily attach it to the strap of your choice.

Unlike almost every other watch we’ve tested, Apple’s Nano has a touch-sensitive, high-resolution LCD display. The interface is a little counterintuitive at first, but it’s no more difficult than anything from Tokyo Flash. As a bonus, you can rotate its face with a twisty two-finger gesture, making it work for you in any orientation.

With its Apple heritage, the Nano is a perfectly usable music player. Available in 8-GB ($150) or 16-GB ($170) models, it has plenty of capacity for storing thousands of songs, and its touchscreen provides a simple, if cramped, interface for selecting tracks. (Tip: Use iTunes to organize playlists before syncing. It’ll make it easier to find the music you want.)

Sound quality is excellent, though the generic white earbuds Apple includes are nothing to shout about. There’s a built-in FM radio player for getting your Ira fix (Flatow and Glass) when podcasts are unavailable.

Sadly, the Nano doesn’t support wireless or Bluetooth headphones, so you’ll need to route a headphone cable from your wrist to your ears. I recommend running it through your sleeve and under your shirt. This is dorky, but practical. And it kind of makes you feel like you’re an extra on The Wire.

The built-in pedometer function sums your steps throughout the day, posting them, if you choose, to Nike’s social site for walkers and general fitness, Nike+ Active.

As a timepiece, it’s comparable to digital watches circa 1978: The screen is usually in a black, juice-conserving state, so to check the time you need to press the power button. If you haven’t set it to “show time on wake,” you’ll also need to swipe left or right a few screens to find the clock face.

Battery life can also be a problem. Apple says it’s rated for 24 hours of music playback. But I left it on a nightstand overnight, only to find it was depleted in the morning. That doesn’t happen with other watches.

And yes, I know it’s really an iPod. I just really like using it as a wristwatch, despite its drawbacks.

WIRED Beautiful if miniscule display. Impressive touch-sensitive interface. Compact, lightweight, minimalist design. Easy-to-use pedometer function. Clock face can be white on black, or the reverse.

TIRED Watchband not included. No wireless headphone support, so you’ll have to string yourself up with headphone wires. Checking the time can take a few steps. Battery life far shorter than most watches.

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It’s Friday, so we’ll stay short and sweet. Despite what Microsoft may think, rumors of the iPhone’s demise are greatly exaggerated. Also, the iPod nano is one swank timepiece, and antivirus software is important–though not for the reasons you might expect.

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Hey, I kid a bit with the title, but most of us are very serious about device and data security, as evidenced by the plethora of apps and services that aim to help. I’ve covered a couple in recent weeks, Find My Phone and BuddyGuard Pro, both of which are solid options when it comes to thisparticular area of smartphone ownership, and of course most people are already aware of SmrtGuard and everything they provide. This one happens to be a free service (1 year) that does a lot of the same things, but for a price tag that is significantly lower (read zero). Some of the options available:

• Remote phone lock / unlock protects your phone and data
• Phone contact back up / restore allows you to recover vital data
• Phone locks automatically after an unauthorised SIM card change
• Device Siren makes the phone a risk to handle
• Incoming calls allowed to lost or stolen phone when locked
• Calls to Yougetitback.com allowed from lost or stolen phone to encourage returns
• Autolock functions lock phone following unusual usage
• Inactivity/call pattern/country dialling/roaming locks

As you can see, it stacks up pretty well against the others, my personal favorite feature being the fact you can set a "profile" of suspicious behavior which will cause the device to lock automatically. Available for all devices running 4.2.1 OS and up, you can grab it today from App World and give it a spin for yourself.

• Download Superhero Solo from BlackBerry App World>>

CrackBerry.com‘s feed sponsored by ShopCrackBerry.com. It's a bird, it's a plane! It's Superhero Solo, here to protect your device and data!

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Apple Stores are spreading throughout the world like one of those scary plague diagrams from Outbreak, but if there’s one Apple product that isn’t catching on like an infectious disease, it’s the Apple TV. Plus, the epidemic that is the App Store will burn out eventually, says…some guy.

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Product: H₂Open Fire!

Manufacturer: Roundup:

Wired Rating: 0

The wimpy squirt guns of your youth have been overthrown by sting-your-face water cannons. You’re never too old for a soakfest, so choose your weapon.

1. Water Warriors Vanquisher

If you’re going into battle, this is the artillery you want to be packing. The Vanquisher holds 108 ounces of liquid and blasts streams up to 40 feet. Choose one of three shooting modes to conserve ammo, make a chilly statement, or all-out drench your opponents. Pressurized by a shotgun-style hand pump, the Vanquisher is as mean as it looks.

WIRED Comes with a shoulder strap for easy toting. Large-capacity tank minimizes trips to the hose for a refill.

TIRED When fully loaded, this baby weighs about as much as a real baby (8.75 pounds). Trigger is placed awkwardly at the top of the gun, so you kinda have to hold it like a purse.

$20, buzzbeetoys.com

2. Nerf Super Soaker Shot Blast

When most people think water guns, they think Super Soaker. But the cheery-colored models are ancient history. The new battalion of plastic liquidators look like they came straight outta Halo. And Master Chief would approve: The Shot Blast will launch bulleted streams about 25 feet, and its 38-ounce reservoir will last you to the end of most engagements. But beware the point-blank head shot: It stings.

WIRED Adjustable shoulder stock for optimal positioning. Powerful blasts will have your challengers running for dry land.

TIRED No trigger — you have to pump it every time you shoot, which is a lot of work for playtime. Don’t drink from the nozzle unless you want to lose your face.

$20, hasbro.com

3. OF2000 Water Sports Stream Machine

Those looking to truly douse their friends (or enemies) should get their hands on one of these. Sure, it’s an extremely simple design, but its ability to soak foes is incredible. To fill the gun, stick the nozzle in any pool of water and pull back on the handle. To fire, push the handle forward. Rocket science. The 36-inch-long barrel holds approximately 32 ounces, which is enough to cause almost anyone to raise the white flag.

WIRED Ridiculously light and easy to carry around. The thick stream is unrivaled.

TIRED Needs almost constant refilling. You have to either tote along a bucket of water or stage your battle on the beach.

$20, instantfun.ws

4. Saturator Electric Water Gun AK47

The most realistic-looking shooter of the bunch, the Saturator AK47 is also the noisiest. Its piston moving back and forth sounds like an automatic towel dispenser on the fritz. But that cacophony is the sound of violence: Powered by four AA batteries, the Saturator rattles off 240 bursts a minute. Each spritz is pretty light, but the rapid fire provides adequate soakage.

WIRED Just hold the trigger and the gun does all the work. Stream is tame enough to serve as an impromptu drinking fountain.

TIRED The clip holds only 10 ounces, and the tiny hole in its top makes for awkward refills. On second thought, it sounds like a dying cat.

$20, kapowwe.com

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After a long relaxing week of vacation, your remainders host has returned, refreshed and renewed! Just in time to hear all about how a certain mayor loves his iPad, a certain tech executive doesn’t love Steve Jobs, and a certain search giant wants to do some farming…for gold.

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